So much on my mind.
From my fraternity to women to friends and everything possibly in between. I can’t quite put a lot of my thoughts into words, so simply put, I’m not in the right state of mind at all.
Here’s my attempt at explaining myself. The past two months of my life have been nothing short of crazy. Crossing into Lambda Life has been a huge stepping stone for me. No regrets about anything. I’m glad I joined this family, but the drama is a bit unnecessary. A lot of people have been opening their mouths and saying the wrong shit to me. The shit I hear is disgusting and disrespectful, and I won’t stand for it. I pledged this fraternity because in all honesty, I believed in the lessons they taught and the morals they preached. The shit I have to deal with is a bit much for me and if this is how it’s going to be, maybe I’ll fade back for a bit and let these immature niggas rock for a bit. They obviously are either too retarded to keep their mouths shut or just don’t know how to act like a rational human being. I love my new found family, but certain people need to learn a very tough and painful lesson, whether it’s from me or someone else. Maybe that’s why some people think I’m repping another org. Just because I spend some of my free time with people from another org, doesn’t mean I’m betraying the letters across my chest. Chill the fuck out. I will always be loyal to my letters, but understand that I’m not going to cut my ties with people of a different fraternity. I’m not going to pick and choose nor can you make me. I will be a Lambda for life, but I will never fucking judge another person based off the letters on their chest. The immaturity level is at an all time high. And to all the people judging me because I pledged Lambdas instead of your org, I have my reasons behind what I did. Don’t hate on me because you should not judge me on the letters on my chest, but what traits I carry underneath those damn letters! Next, my love life has been dry, to say the least. Single for over two years and counting, and the search never ends. From seeing my friends being in relationships, I’ve become a bit scared of the thought of being in a relationship. Hearing my friends talk about their issues such as infidelity, rape, or abuse genuinely gives me fear of being in a relationship. In all honesty, I would never cheat nor abuse someone. Rape is obviously out of the question too. I never quite understood the appeal of all these things. Why do women and men love to betray one another. Is it in hopes of revenge? The best revenge in my book is being happier than the other, and committing these acts will not result in that. Maybe it’s just people loving the feeling of being dominant and having control. Regardless, it disgusts me when I hear about shit like that. I feel lonely tho, I truly do; Yet I can’t see myself getting in a relationship any time soon. After all the shit that I’ve heard, I can proudly still say I still believe in love. I believe that one day, I’ll be able to find someone I can hold and say whole-heartedly, that I’m in love with her. For now, even tho in the end, I am still looking for a relationship, I refuse to jump into anything at the moment. I’ll stay single for however long it takes, but my feelings toward this won’t change, unless someone changes it for me. I need to find a really special spark to jump out of this phase. For now, it’s just cuddle buddies and friends with perks. Food for thought, if your best friend is of the opposite sex, what is stopping you from being in a relationship with them? Your best friend is here to protect you, care for you, be there when you cry, and treat you like a girlfriend/boyfriend, but often without the intimacy of a relationship. What gives people the idea that intimacy will change the way people treat each other? As a matter of fact, intimacy will probably improve the friendship a long way. I never really thought about it like that, but it definitely holds some truth. I feel as if your best friend is the best choice you can possibly think of to be in a relationship with. They already know your secrets and your weaknesses, yet they would never use it against you. These people are here to stay in your life and it’s whether or not you are grown enough to believe in that. Or if you’re still too young to accept it. On a lighter, happier note. Party Party Party. That’s all I’ve been doing during this entire break. Been to Pacha four times in the past two months, raged who knows how many times, went to less risque clubs pretty often, and just went all out this break. If there’s any way to describe how a night ended, I’m sure I’ve experienced it. From heartbreak to elation, I’ve felt it all during these past two months. I need to slow my roll tho. I feel as if I’ve gone away from what I preached and I need to definitely cut down on the excessive partying. There’s a lot for me to do, and a lot of friends to see, so I’m definitely going to have a hard time doing so, but cutting down from the partying and raging is a definite must. The people I’ve been partying with lately have changed my life completely. They have turned my life around and made it so much more worth living. Knowing I have a good group of people who surround me with love and friendship allow me to live life everyday knowing everything will eventually be okay, and even if they aren’t, they’ll be there to support me in whatever decision I make. End of the day, I’m still a bit lost in this world. I don’t quite understand the decisions that people make and what possesses certain people to do the things they do, but maybe that’s not for me to understand. Maybe I’m trying too hard in the wrong places. What If I’m trying to save the people who don’t want to be saved? What if the people I care about, don’t even care enough about themselves to want to be cared for? Not only do I feel that I do not understand women, I’m having a hard time understanding people. This has been a very difficult phase for me, filled with lots of joy and wonder, however the constant changing of emotions each and everyday have turned me nearly insane. I never know what to expect when I wake up. I could wake up in the trunk of a Cadillac or in another persons home for all I know, I just know that I’ll eventually wake up and have to deal with these issues once I wake up. My spilling of the mind has been completed for now. So much more I could say, but just can’t put it out there.
Peace, Love, & Good Vibes.
